So I’ve come to the conclusion that a whole lot of the 20-somethings (and others) I know have one main issue…they don’t know how to date. There’s a definite problem and a shift in social standards with regards to dating.
My mom always says that since we all grew up with “group” dates and “casual” dates, that we don’t really know how to court in the traditional sense. There are probably millions of us running around confused, not knowing what to do, how to act, or what really defines a relationship. Sure, there are also millions of happily married and coupled people, who didn’t have the problem of an uncertain beginning. But, this is for the rest of us.
I think a lot of it stems from all of the stupid dating books, advice in magazines and blogs, and just general media speculation. Women think that life and love should be like an episode of Sex & the City, while men actually fear that women will be like that.
This train of thought was sparked by a conversation with a friend, where I was lamenting the fact that some recent dates had been at the guy’s house or at mine, rather than out at dinner or a movie or some other date-like event (have not slept together though). While I didn’t mind, I found myself saying, “I mean, what’s my problem? Who says that dating has to be all about wining and dining anyway? It doesn’t have to be. Just hanging out is fine. I did that in college with people I ‘dated’ so why does it need to be different now?”
She responded by saying that it’s sad that so many girls our age think that, that they don’t DESERVE to be taken out on a “real” date (whether the guy pays or not) and that it all just boils down to glorified hooking up, where maybe eventually it turns INTO a relationship. Instead of starting out with the thought of dating, it becomes something that evolves over time, stemming from often confusing semantics and situations. Neither men or women ever want to be the one to declare the status of “hanging out”, and there are so many terms for casual dating, that it’s hard to even tell if you’re actually dating.
What happened to actually getting to know a person? To wanting to impress them? Men and women are quick now to judge and dismiss, or to stay in relationships that neither of them are really that into, but deal with because it’s there. I’m not saying that there aren’t people out there who “date” in the traditional sense, but I find it increasingly harder to find. Suddenly the romantic notions of dating and relating have turned into whirlwind romances with never-ending drama and confusion. There are no more big gestures like standing outside with a radio blasting In Your Eyes.
Maybe I’m making it too hard, and thinking about it too much. And I need to just go with it. But, I feel like when someone really likes you, then you KNOW…and that women my age spend entirely too much time wasted on men who are NOT there. They are not really available, not really into them, and not really ready. But, still we analyze and try and make excuses. WHY?
There is something to be said for being a strong woman, and there are a lot of girls I know who look to say, Carrie Bradshaw and think that’s the way it should be. Um, can we please discuss the fact that she stayed in a relationship with a man who dangled her around for years, got married, cheated on his wife with her, and then FINALLY decided he was ready to be with her. Gee, we can all hope for that. Or even Meredith on Grey’s Anatomy, she is still going for the man who may or may not be ready to be with her. She chose the hard route (Dr. McDreamy) over the easier one (McVet).
Sure, these women are just figures on TV, but it’s all a reflection of society. I can’t even begin to count the numbers of women I see that are just passing by, dating duds and letting it happen. Then bitching about not finding a good man.
I think that everyone is too busy, too self-centered, and too worried about playing by the “rules” or playing the “game” to even know what they want, or how to get it. There are all these ways to communicate with one another, and yet people just aren’t communicating. You can have email, instant message, text message, and phone calls…but yet still not be able to talk to someone face to face. People are getting married later and later, and while I do think that it’s good to take the time to get to know yourself, and to be on your own…what do you do when you’re stuck in your ways and are less likely to compromise?
I worry about future generations, how are they going to act when it comes to dating. It almost makes me wish for the days of the past, where the man picked the girl up, they went to dinner or a movie, eventually they were “going steady” and then maybe, they would get engaged and married. There was structure, and there were rules. Now it seems, anything goes. But, it all seems to be going nowhere.
